We all have it within ourselves to learn the art of confidence, according to motivational speaker Miriam Staley – it’s just a matter of learning how to unlock our full potential
Most people want more of it in their lives. Some think that too much of it is a bad thing. Others think you’re either born with it or not. I think that it’s a state of mind, and entirely attainable by anyone, anywhere. Total, unlimited confidence, just there for the taking.
“Well, I never feel confident!” I hear you cry – and you’re probably right! But it helps to realise that ultimately everything is a feeling rather than a permanent, unchangeable state. And it’s quite comforting to know that it’s just a feeling we need to change.
So where does a feeling of confidence come from? Well, it comes from the way we see the world – and the really interesting bit is that we don’t see things the way they are…we see things the way we are. All the wonderful complexities and experiences that make us humans so unique and interesting also create the filters and lenses through which we see the world. We are constantly processing millions of bits of information that bombard us from every angle, and we make continuous, subconscious decisions to process that information according to our past, our preferences and our perspective. We hold onto the things that reinforce our beliefs and our state of mind, and discard or ignore those that would force us to reassess our opinions – or our whole selves.
Time to change
But the thing about beliefs is that they can be tricky little beggars. Powerful ones, too, which can help us move forwards, or end up holding us back. Yet none of us are born with a single belief about anything – all the beliefs we hold we have cultivated over time. So all the beliefs we hold have the potential to be changed. If something you belied about yourself is no longer serving you, or helping you achieve your ambitions, then it’s time to change it.
So what’s all this got to do with confidence? A very clever man once said, “If you believe you can or you believe you can’t – you’re right”. Or to paraphrase, “If you believe you’re confident or you believe you’re not confident – you’re right.” If you believe that you’re not a confident person, or not confident in certain situations, one of the first things you can do to begin to nurture a feeling of confidence is to stop looking for all the evidence that reinforces that belief (“I didn’t speak up in that meeting…”, “I couldn’t possibly challenge my boss…”, “I bottled out of asking for a pay rise again…”). Instead start to actively keep note of all the evidence which demonstrates confidence (“I presented my boss with an alternative solution that I knew would work better…”, “I negotiated a discount with a supplier…”, “I stood my ground when someone challenged my calculations and was proved right…”).
Then – and this is the crucial bit – you need to change the record that’s playing in your head. Not that annoying song that you can’t seem to shift, but the equally pesky little voice that always tries to hold you back and keep you firmly in your place.
Listen to your inner voice
So, the next time you find yourself in a situation that requires a boost of confidence; try to become consciously aware of what that inner voice is saying. Change the narrative from, “Oh, I’m far too nervous to voice my opinion,” to “I feel nervous but I’m becoming more confident with every contribution I make.” From “I feel stupid asking my boss to clarify exactly what she meant” to “I know how important it is to get this right for her and I have the perfect question ready to get exactly the information I need to achieve this.”
Believe in yourself
Trying to increase your levels of competence in an attempt to feel more confident will not work. The most confident people can often be the most incompetent and, equally, highly competent people do not become confident by default. Competence is a great platform on which to build but you will still need to adopt the positive state of mind and underlying beliefs that will allow you to feel – and therefore be – more confident in the way in which you deal with life.
During the Falklands War, the British fighter pilots were outnumbered eight-to-one by the Argentinians. In a recent documentary, the interviewer asked one of those pilots if they had been scared. His answer was surprising. “No,” he replied. “We didn’t feel scared at all. We chose to see the situation as a target-rich environment.” Changing the way they chose to view the world changed the way they felt, which in turn changed the result they got. History may well have been rewritten had they not made that choice.
Why not make some different choices for yourself from today and rewrite the next chapter in your new, more confident story?
Miriam Staley is managing director of public speaker organisation We Make Waves. Find out more at wemakewaves.com
